Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
