I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
