I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
