i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How does one acquire holy water?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
