Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
