The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
