I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
