First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
FUCK WHALES
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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