You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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