Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
