I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
