just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
