I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
