so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
