It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
