I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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