MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
