Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
