why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?