i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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