This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
