All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Randomize
