Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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