He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
