Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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