She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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