DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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