last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
