I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm like, not good at living.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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