I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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