Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
