Barsexuality is the new black.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
