omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
