last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
