This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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