Just fell off a train. Bad.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
