you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
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He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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