i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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