I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.