I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.