I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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