I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
