This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
