my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
