Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
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How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
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Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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