So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
