Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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