Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
