I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
