I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
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I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
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I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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