How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
