Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
