I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
