is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
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My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
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New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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