you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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