just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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